Why Does My Therapist Keep Asking, “How Are You Feeling?”
Emotions are like waves — you can’t stop them from coming, but you can learn to ride them.
The Healing Power of Feeling
If you’ve ever sat across from your therapist and thought, “Why do they keep asking how I’m feeling?” — you’re not alone.
For many of us, that question can feel confusing, frustrating, or even impossible to answer.
Most of us grew up in families or cultures where feeling wasn’t safe or supported. Maybe you were told to “stop crying,” “calm down,” or “be strong.” Or maybe no one paid attention when you were crying or feeling angry. Over time, we learned to disconnect — to think instead of feel, to push through, to stay busy. We all have ways of avoiding what we feel — not because we’re broken, but because we learned it wasn’t safe.
But what if not feeling is what keeps us stuck?
Why Your Therapist Asks “How Are You Feeling?
Your therapist isn’t asking this question to be polite — they’re not making small talk.
They are inviting you to notice the part of yourself that may have learned to hide, ignore, or suppress emotions.
For many of us, growing up meant that big feelings were unsafe — maybe a parent dismissed your sadness, told you to “stop crying,” or got frustrated when you expressed anger. Emotions were labeled as weak, dramatic, or too much. Over time, the nervous system learned: feeling = danger. So we learned to protect ourselves by not feeling.
But here’s the truth: feelings are not the problem.
It’s the resistance to feeling that keeps us stuck.
When your therapist asks how you’re feeling, they’re gently helping you reconnect with the part of you that knows how to feel safely. They are helping your body and mind practice noticing emotion without judgment or shame — the first step toward true healing.
Why It Feels Safer to Numb
We learned early that big feelings could lead to disconnection — maybe a parent withdrew, got angry, or told us to “stop crying.”
So the body learned a lesson: feeling = danger.
As adults, the same pattern continues. We stay busy, stay “strong,” and stay out of our bodies — not realizing that the very strategies that once kept us safe now keep us disconnected.
Avoidance was never weakness. It was protection.
But now, that same protection may be keeping you from feeling fully alive.
What Happens When We Hold Feelings In
When we push emotions down, they don’t disappear. They settle into the body and nervous system. Over time, that can look like:
Muscle tension and pain — the body becomes the container for what we can’t express.
Anxiety or irritability — energy from unprocessed emotion looking for a way out.
Fatigue or depression — the system shuts down to avoid overwhelm.
Disconnection — we feel numb, empty, or detached from ourselves and others.
Unhealthy coping — food, alcohol, work, or scrolling become ways to avoid inner discomfort.
“It’s not feeling that hurts — it’s the holding back.”
Avoidance works temporarily — but it also keeps us from healing, connecting, and fully living. When we avoid our feelings, we’re telling our system that what matters doesn’t deserve attention — so the body keeps trying to get our attention louder and louder.
But when we allow the feeling, even briefly, it moves through. Most emotions last less than two minutes when felt directly. What makes them linger is our resistance.
What Your Body Is Trying to Tell You
The body doesn’t lie. When you feel that lump in your throat, tightness in your chest, or heaviness in your gut, it’s your system saying,
“Pay attention. Something matters.”
Most of the time, your body isn’t trying to hurt you — it’s trying to communicate.
When you pause and listen, you begin translating the body’s language.
And that’s where healing begins.
What Happens When We Allow Feelings
When we let ourselves feel, the emotion completes its natural cycle. The wave rises, crests, and passes.
Allowing emotion helps us:
Release stored tension and return the body to safety.
Build self-trust: “I can handle this.”
Free up energy once used to suppress emotion.
Deepen relationships through honesty and vulnerability.
Reconnect to aliveness, joy, and authenticity.
“Emotion is energy in motion. When we let it move, we come back into flow.”
Try This: A One-Minute Check-In
Take a short pause before reading on.
Press play and let this guided check-in help you reconnect with your body and name what you’re feeling.
If you prefer to read along, here’s the script:
“Find a comfortable seat or stand, and let your hands rest where they feel steady.
Take one slow breath in through your nose… and gently out through your mouth.
Bring your attention to your body. Notice one place where you feel any sensation — tightness, warmth, pressure, fluttering, or maybe nothing at all.
If a word comes to mind for what you’re feeling, silently name it: sadness, tension, grief, anger, lonely, or unsure.
Place a hand on that part of your body if it feels safe. Breathe into that place for two slow breaths.
Remind yourself quietly — This feeling is allowed. It will pass.
One more breath in… and out. When you’re ready, gently return to your day. Thank you for meeting yourself.”
A Simple Practice: The 90-Second Rule
If you tried the check-in above, you might have noticed something:
When you actually allow a feeling, it doesn’t last forever.
Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor found that an emotion typically lasts only about 90 seconds in the body — unless we keep feeding it with thoughts, judgment, or resistance.
That means most of what makes emotions feel unbearable isn’t the feeling itself — it’s the mental looping around it.
So the next time a wave of emotion rises, try this simple practice:
Pause and name it.
“This is sadness.” “This is anger.” “This is grief.”Locate it in your body.
Where do you feel it? Chest, throat, belly?Breathe and allow it for 90 seconds.
Stay curious. Notice sensations — warmth, tightness, tears, pulsing.Notice what changes.
Feelings often shift or soften once they’re acknowledged.
When the wave passes, take a slow exhale and check in: What do I need right now?
Maybe rest, a glass of water, or a moment outside.
Over time, you’ll discover that you can meet emotion without being swallowed by it.
Learning to Feel Safely
You don’t have to dive into the deepest pain all at once.
Healing starts in small moments — a single breath, a single tear, a single truth you let yourself feel.
Each time you choose to feel instead of flee, you’re teaching your body: It’s safe to be me.
That’s how regulation, resilience, and genuine emotional freedom are built — one felt moment at a time.
Feeling doesn’t mean losing control.
It means learning to listen — to the body, the heart, the truth within.
Each time you pause and name a feeling, you’re retraining your nervous system to know: I can be with myself safely.
It’s one of the most courageous things you can do.
Remember…
Learning to feel again isn’t about becoming emotional all the time — it’s about becoming whole. When you allow yourself to notice what’s happening inside, even for a few moments, your body begins to relax, your heart softens, and healing becomes possible. The next time your therapist asks how you’re feeling, take it as an invitation — not to perform, but to gently meet yourself. That’s where safety, connection, and real change begin.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. Healing from family trauma and learning to feel safely takes support. If you’ve spent years holding it all together — staying strong, taking care of everyone else — and you’re ready to finally understand your feelings without fear or shame, I’d love to support you.
Together, we can help you feel grounded, connected, and safe inside your own skin again. Learn more about working with me here.